How to Train Your Extrovert

I am becoming quite tired of myself during the great apartment occupation of 2020. I was hoping that after all this me time, I would’ve triggered the “Self obsessed” portion of my brain and I would be on an “Eat Pray Love” journey, substituting Pray for an extra helping of Eat. I wouldn’t dare claim to be an expert on mental health; frankly I haven’t even received my merit badge on the subject. However, I am in tune with myself enough to recognize when something is out of sorts.

During these uncertain times my people are vulnerable. We do not do well in quiet spaces nor do can we survive without others…or at the very least a strong Wi-Fi connection. You’ve certainly heard of our kind, as we are frequently the loudest person in the room. Often described as empathetic and warm while at the same time, obnoxious or "too much". We are extroverts, and we need your help.

            We did not choose this life! An extrovert is born when someone does not receive an adequate amount of attention in their childhood; not due to something sinister like absent parents, more likely a sibling being born before or after them. To recoup this loss, they spend their days waiting for the opportunity to steal your focus and, if they’re very lucky, make you laugh. It is a virtuous life, but someone must keep the post–work happy hour socials moving. Do you really want to hear about the deck that Colton is putting on the family cottage this year or would you rather be captivated by the harrowing adventure of me trying to get diesel in Rome? Embellished or not, the extrovert’s story offers distraction from pain and gives joy to the mundane.

I come to you now to ask for your aid. I implore you to check in on your extroverts, as this time is especially hard for them. Have you ever tried to entertain someone in the liquor store line behind the confines of a N-95 respirator mask?

Everyone has an extrovert in their life. They might be your “FUN-cle,” Joe, who always has a beer in one hand and a tumultuous tale in the other. Think of him now–scrolling through memes alone, commenting on government Facebook posts. With no true outlet, he slips ever closer to becoming “the unstable conservative uncle,” partaking in the misinformation of such wild claims as: the 5G networks causing COVID-19, the flat earth theory, or Justin Trudeau’s relation to Fidel Castro.

For all the times that we, against all natural impulses, remained quiet listening beacons for you in your time of need, I urge you to check in on your extroverts. Make them feel needed.

3 Simple ways to care for an extrovert:

1.     Video calls: It’s important to take your extrovert on at least one video call per day. This will allow your extrovert the exercise their bodily need to expel the hot air inside. Failing to do so may lead to accidents in the house, garbage cans rifled through and run on sentences.

2.     Gossip: It’s important like any animal, that you feed your extrovert at least 3 juicy gossips per day, to make sure they’re receiving all of their essential drama and minerals.

3.     Attention: Nothing keeps a shiny coat on an extrovert like a little attention in the morning. The clever quips, comments and jokes your extrovert has sent via text, DM, or shared meme need reaction. Even a simple “LOL” or “same” can go a long way in the health of your extrovert.

If a dad joke is made on an empty ZOOM call, does anybody laugh?

The future of our confidence is in your hands.

Stay Home, Stay hopeful,

Evan